I’ve been reporting on and investigating sex-based elements of leadership and entrepreneurship, looking at women’s social and political accomplishments and setbacks.

And during that time, whether among women with inherited wealth, women who have earned their wealth or women who live paycheck to paycheck, I’ve repeatedly seen that only after arriving at a clear understanding of your emotions about money can you attain the freedom to pursue power.

Coming to terms with money fears and feelings, owning and accepting and, yes, sometimes changing, your money personality, will lead to more authentic and effective choices, especially when it comes to giving and philanthropy. It will free you from denial, from running away, from giving over to a pro or a relative, from decisions by default.

By looking into what drives your financial habits and choices, and tracing these back to family experiences as a child, you’ll be able to take charge and express your true values and beliefs. You will experience your power.

I often financial services pros and experts organize what now are rather trendy conferences and courses designed to teach women about money matters. Invariably, the focus of these convocations is on transactions, not on transcendence. On spreadsheets, not spreading your wings.

Little of such approaches typically hits women’s screens and that’s because of both nature and nurture. Until and unless women explore and accept their emotional engagement with money, they tend to avoid money management and the transactional side of finances.

What’s missing from all the convocations and conferences about financial empowerment are how to address these complicated feelings about money, and that goes for men as well as women.

What after all is money for? Why don’t the seminars ever speak to the values we bring to money management?

Let’s think about building a bridge from the constant striving to get more to the blissful freedom of feeling like you have enough.

They worry about their offspring growing up with a sense of entitlement.

The challenges of raising children in affluent circumstances are persuading parents — mothers in particular — to bring families into meetings to talk about fears, share stories, become educated and listen to advice. Typically, they’re exploring their family values and mission. It’s not about estate planning but about preparing the next generation.

Even so, teaching kids about financial values and the lessons of giving has little to do with how much wealth the family controls. One of the most effective ways to educate your children is one of the simplest: Model the behavior you want to see in them.

Many donors want their kids to participate in family giving plans but take the kids’ interest for granted and won’t grant them any real authority. Try to avoid hovering, nagging or putting strings on their choices. Let kids go about the process in their own way. If it seems a tad out of control, pull in a knowledgeable third party who can be objective.

Keep listening. If you want the next generation to grow into the family’s traditions and values, you must work at it.

One family with an established private foundation created a junior board and brought on ten next-gen kids, ranging in age from 14 – 24. The junior board sat in on board meetings and were allowed to vote 10% of the grant budget. But they also had to do due diligence on the organizations they funded, including research and follow-up visits.

In addition, more and more families are setting up discretionary funds for offspring, who may be scattered around the country, so that the younger generation can support causes they choose in their own communities.

First, women are sitting on Fort Knox. High-net worth individuals in this country are increasingly female.

Next, more women are shunning the Prince Charming syndrome to manage their own finances and steward their own investments and wealth. Reading a balance sheet is hardly a male preserve anymore.

Third, and most notably, as the global population ages and women take control of the purse, they are gaining philanthropic profile and forcefully making a difference on their own terms. Women now influence nonprofit endowments and make decisions on the boards. Fundraisers from organizations large and small now are eyeing the growing cohort of wealthy women. Many nonprofits are rejiggering marketing campaigns to become more women-friendly while training staff to redefine “the ask,” because women donors typically rebuff the direct approach.

Women’s deepening engagement in philanthropy is having an impact on social policy, the choice of grant awards, program development, nonprofit management, fundraising and even grantor-grantee relationships.
next steps:
- leveraging resources and skills in smart collaborations so as to avoid wasting efforts and momentum

- learning how to be strategic so as to define impact that can be met and measured

- making noise in the meeting rooms, so as to influence decisions that shift the levers of power

If you want your family close, productive, open to experience, making a difference in the world, then what are you going to do now to get you there?

People often avoid financial planning because they think talking about far-reaching decisions will lock them in. But it’s usually just the reverse. Planning and managing your money lets you fund your beliefs, passions and legacy.

Stories about women who are committing to a bigger purpose, to building something that will outlive them, are surfacing frequently, especially as boomer women consider what’s next. These are altogether contemporary legacies, on a scale without precedent. Many such examples are ongoing and under the radar, since few media outlets are reporting on women’s local or individual philanthropy.

Where can we look to find women’s evolving stories?

We nurture kids and relatives. We drop everything for friends in need. We form neighborhood associations, join walkathons, sit on school boards and give to clothing drives. Often as not, we also write charitable checks.

So what’s this all about?

Something of a revolution, really. Increasingly, women are contributing time, talent, treasure and technology at levels that move well beyond family and community.

More and more women are taking center stage and asking, “What can we do?”

In the process, women are changing the face of philanthropy.

They’re infusing new excitement, accountability and serious money into charitable goals and plans. They’re also learning how to collaborate and leverage their efforts in order to have greater impact. Women now require a higher level of stimulation and satisfaction than they once got from volunteering or organizing a charity event. They’re reading P&L sheets. They’re working to make the world a better place.

If you think of society as a three-legged stool supported by the business, government and nonprofit sectors, then women have gone a long way in redefining their roles in the first two. It’s now the turn of the so-called third sector.

How did we get here? First, across the country, the extraordinary growth in women’s wealth, professional skills, confidence and financial decision-making has been rewriting rules about money and power. Since we tend to outlive men, women control a staggering 48% of estates worth more than $5 million and will soon direct 60% of the nation’s wealth. In addition, women now are comfortable with their rights of ownership, in business, in power, in leadership. This tilt toward women-directed wealth is propelling women’s involvement in philanthropy.

With deepening experience and resources, women are increasingly choosing a larger, more strategic arena. Women want their money to be working for change. They’re exploring different philanthropic structures, such as impact investing. They’re defining focus and figuring out what they can give that won’t deplete their longer-term growth or potential assets.

Paralleling women’s focus on philanthropy is the unprecedented rise of women-owned businesses, which are growing twice as fast as all other privately held companies in the country. Among the nearly 11 million women-owned businesses, a whopping 68% of owners volunteer at least once a month, often in leadership roles. Nine out of ten women business owners (92%) contribute money to charities, compared to 88% of male owners and roughly 70% of US households. Such changes have also led foundations and nonprofit institutions to launch woman-oriented fundraising efforts and to recruit women for their boards and staff.

From Maine to Miami to Malibu, women of all ages, colors and stations are developing giving plans and, typically, also contributing hands-on help. Their charitable work has come a long way from baking cakes and running church picnics. It’s all about funding social change.

Unlike the spontaneous impulse toward charity, the work of philanthropy does require some homework. But it also is continuously joyful and empowering.

Go ahead. Take the leap. Give a little. There’s no doubt that in return you will get a lot.

During their forty years together, he enjoyed a lucrative and secure career. She never asked about their assets or how much they spent or saved. They had kids and lived well.

You can see where this is headed.

The prince died. A huge chunk of his money went to pay various taxes, most of which could have been avoided if he had only managed some basic financial planning. The kids got nothing. The wife had to sell the house. The fairy tale ended.

This isn’t an old wives’ tale, either. Women need to have money in their own name.

While younger working women are moving, inch by inch, toward a tripod model—his money, our money, my money—thousands of women are still leaving their checkbooks at the altar, even when they bring home big salaries.

One nationwide survey found that when couples argue about money, men see it as an issue of “trust.” By contrast, women cite issues of “power and control.” Presumably, lots of women would rather not press that marital hot button. Yet when they do assert their financial independence, women are often surprised by the positive changes in their sense of self and the marriage’s dynamics.

If everything you own and all family bank accounts are jointly held (or worse, in his name alone), consider these commonplace scenarios. Then think about getting your own accounts.

• You ought to be able to buy a gift without it being obvious how much you spent.

• You may need access to cash fast for many reasons, including the tragic ones, when joint accounts can be frozen for a good, long while. Typically, you should have three months’ worth of household and living expenses in an emergency bank account of your own.

• When loans and credit cards are all in your spouse’s name, credit agencies will likely score his record while yours turns inactive. Even if you established a good credit history in your own name before marriage, that rating can lapse in less than a year. That means you’ll have difficulty getting credit in your name because there’s no current track record. In addition, if he has a habit of late payments or defaults entirely, it’s your credit rating that will also suffer.

• It can take several years for bad credit info to disappear from the records.

• Sometimes you just want to make your own decisions. You should be able to spend money on what you want without asking for permission or forgiveness.

• And one more critical byte of advice: Make sure you always know current computer passwords for joint investment and bank accounts.

Give your house. Gifts of real estate cover a house, apartment building, farm, vacation home, commercial buildings and land. If you cede a fully paid mortgage to, say, your local community foundation, you can continue to live in the home for the rest of your life. Upon your death, the house passes to any charity you select. The nonprofit can then sell it and use the proceeds. Such gifts raise complex tax and legal issues, but planned giving experts at public foundations or charities would be delighted to help you work through the process.

Give by the dozen. The vast majority of people who give to charity wait until December to make donations, partly because of the holiday spirit and to qualify for that year’s tax deduction. But you rate the same tax break by giving in January or June. And with monthly donations, you create a habit and ease the cash flow.

Give the rewards of intellectual property. If you’ve written a book or screenplay, own a patent, license a service or the like, set up a plan to donate a percentage of incoming royalties or fees.

Give collaboratively. Set up a giving circle with friends, family or colleagues to learn about philanthropy and leverage your dollars and impact. These easygoing groups forge their own rules and grant choices, often with back-office help from a community or public foundation. To learn more, check out advice from the Forum of Regional Associations of Grantmakers. If your pals live across town or around the world, consider a virtual circle using electronic tools (like Skype) to electronically collaborate in real-time.

Give art, antiques or collectibles. Like bequeathing a home, these gifts can be donated to a qualified charity and still remain in your possession during your lifetime. The gift goes to the nonprofit after you die. Check with financial pros beforehand. Congress changed the rules on such gifts in 2006 and now it’s less of tax break than it used to be.

Give with a legacy. By setting up a charitable remainder trust, with cash assets or, better yet, stock that keeps appreciating, you live on the trust’s income during your lifetime while the principal passes to a qualified charity after you die. CRTs are irrevocable, so you can’t change one after it’s established.

Give technology. More and more groups, online and off, are offering recycling outlets to donate used mobile phones, computers, peripherals, software (when you upgrade) and more. Check with your company’s human resources department, local community foundation, public schools, small-business training centers for opportunities. Or check out Secure the Call Foundation . These can be converted into 911 emergency-use mobiles and given free to, say, battered women and kids at risk.

Give mutual fund shares or appreciated securities. Besides netting a tax savings and an immediate charitable deduction for the market value of the donated assets, giving mutual fund shares that transfer to a qualified charity after you die will exempt you from any capital gains tax on the appreciation. Once again, check with advisers before proceeding.

Give part of your business. If you own limited partnership interests (rather than stock in a private family business), you can contribute them to a qualifying charity.

Give to a social venture investment fund. Dozens of nonprofit investment companies around the country work for change by lending money at very low interest rates. When you invest money, you get a return, which will vary by project and firm. For example, Boston Community Capital , a social venture capital fund, has built charter schools, health clinics, affordable housing, childcare facilities and more.

Give your life insurance policy. When you no longer need the life insurance you purchased years ago, consider assigning the policy to a charity (while still covering the annual premiums) and make the charity the beneficiary. If the policy is paid up, you receive an immediate tax deduction equal to the policy’s cash value at the time.

Everyone has something to give.

• Involve kids early. Youngsters can volunteer to gather food, clothing or toys for needy groups. They can also learn to save a share of their allowance or other money to donate at the end of each year. Putting coins in a glass jar is a tangible way for youngsters to see results.

• Ask kids for help to research your own contributions, whether online, at a library or by calling organizations to request information.

• If they are to donate money wisely in the future, you must give kids real authority. Avoid putting strings on their choices. Let them make their own decisions, and if necessary, their own mistakes. Keep listening.

• Don’t hover or nag. Let them go about the process in their own way. If it seems a tad out of control, pull in a third party who can be knowledgeable and objective.

• Depending on their age, require the real deal—research, site visits, financial reviews, conversations with the nonprofit’s staff and grantees, oversight for results and impact.

With growing earning power, expanding professional skills, profitable businesses of their own, and deepening control over family trusts and inheritances, women now have the means and the will to invest in philanthropic change.

In fact, over the past few decades, women have been making more decisions about greater wealth every year.

Consider: The latest IRS figures, from August 2008, report that 43% of the nation’s top 2.7 million wealth holders are women (top wealth is defined as $1.5 million in assets).

Assets of those nearly 1.2 million women were valued at $4.6 trillion, or about 42% of the total $11 trillion of top wealth holders.

In addition, women control nearly half — or 48% — of estates worth more than $5 million.

They account for more than an astonishing 80% of consumer spending, to the tune of $3.7 trillion.

And over 10 million firms are owned 75% or more by women, employing nearly 23 million people and generating $3 trillion in revenue, as of 2009.

Then there’s women’s longevity compared to men. On average, women live about five years longer than men. Since women tend to marry men older than themselves and they also remarry less frequently after a spouse dies, women aged 65 and older are now three times more likely to be widowed than their male counterparts.

All of this puts women in line to control inherited money from husbands and families and, of course, with more education and leadership positions in the society, increasingly likely to earn significant income themselves.
As a result, over the past several years, significant numbers of women donors and advisors have joined philanthropy’s ranks. Women have moved into the mainstream of philanthropic endeavor.

Across the board, women’s deepening engagement in philanthropy is having an impact on social policy, the choice of grant awards, program development, nonprofit management, fundraising, and even grantor-grantee relationships.

That adds up to unparalleled potential as more and more women eye their legacies.

Has your organization talked to a woman donor in the last month?

Dependent on contributions and grants, development officers and fundraisers may put a rosy gloss on programs and outcomes and may skip past some real challenges and difficulties. Unsurprisingly, this can offend donors, who may know better. Or, the cheery overview may cause donors to feel the organization is less than competent or, worse, hiding something. No one wins in such circumstances, and, thankfully, such happy talk is fading from the field.

More frequently these days, charities simply cannot command the specific details that directly address donor questions – for a variety of reasons. Many nonprofits, even large, established institutions, don’t define goals. Yet choosing goals is what connects you to assessing results. Such organizations have trouble figuring out what’s working and what’s not. Next, there’s no accepted way to measure charitable impact, like business profits or ROI. Then, too, measuring impact depends on the resources you have, which we all know are tighter than ever. So that requires weighing social good versus grants out the door. Another challenge is that one organization rarely is the sole funder for a program. And if a nonprofit funds only 35% or 20% of a project, how do you measure your particular impact?

Painting this complex picture to expectant donors who are considering contributing $1,000 or $1 million isn’t easy, particularly when the donation will only flow if the nonprofit can clearly explain how the money will be spent and the precise result it will have.
What you need is lots of goodwill and honest conversation—as well as ongoing donor education. Yes, nonprofit must devote time and resources to donor education, not just donor cultivation, no matter what).

On the other side, once the check is cashed, donors can turn intrusive or overbearing, feeling they’ve purchased the right to express opinions and direct decisions. While they certainly should have a voice, too many donors don’t take the time to become knowledgeable before weighing in. They also may not bother to tap the nonprofit’s expertise to learn where or how they can be most useful. Before wading in, make sure you know as much as you can.

Last, there’s the troublesome challenge of novelty. Entrenched, familiar social problems aren’t nearly as interesting as fresh, trendy ones. Donors so like to support new ideas, but we already have too many nonprofits to sustain. When an organization shifts gears or missions to respond to a big donor’s interest in the Next New Thing, we lose ability and momentum in meeting ongoing challenges. Organizations then end up spending more time and resources on fundraising than on delivering on their programs. Donors need to help organizations succeed. Nonprofit need to be straight up and transparent with donors.

Imagine that impact.